Dear parents,

If there's one thing you need to do now to prevent pain later, it's this:

Now, look, I’m going to preface this whole letter with one very important disclaimer:

I am not a perfect parent.

Not by any means.

I’ve made - and am making - lots of mistakes.

I’m not an expert on parenting. I have a crap ton of kids who span a huge range of ages and I’ve been enmeshed in lots of different groups with lots of different parenting philosophies, but I am not an expert.

But here’s what I am: I am an adult child who is currently estranged from my adult husband’s parents.

And y’all, that has taught me some things.

The number one thing it has taught me about parenting?

Stop making yourself the center of the show.

Your job, as a parent, is to guide your children. To center their wellbeing. This responsibility is placed on your shoulders the minute your child is brought into your lives, and it never ends. They are not, and have never been, an extension of you. You are not the central character anymore. They are.

This responsibility will never go away, but it does shape shift over the years as both of you grow and learn and experience life. When they are young, their experiences pretty much mirror yours: they look to you for understanding. They use your words and phrases. They see things through your eyes, because you are the one holding the vision in focus.

But as they grow, their vision starts to shift. It starts to develop. It becomes theirs, not just a reflection of yours. This is good. This is healthy. This is how life should be.

You gave them the ability to see clearly (hopefully figuratively AND literally, in this case!), but it is not your job any more to interpret the scene.

They get to draw their own conclusions. They get to learn to listen to their own bodies. They get to form their own beliefs. They get to determine their own needs.

Your job as a parent is to continue centering them…but in the Venn diagram of relationships, your circles no longer overlap.

Like I said earlier, I am not an expert in all things parenting. But, as an adult child watching another adult child suffer the pain of estrangement, I need all of you parents to realize one thing:

If you can learn to detach yourself from your child and let them be their own person, the better your relationship will be.

You are still their parent. But you are NOT them.

I am still a parent to my adult children.

But I am not my adult children.

I am always here to guide them (if they want it), to answer questions (if they ask them!), to support them if they need it…but I am not here to tell them how to live their lives, who to be friends with, who to fall in love with, or what financial decisions they should make.

And I hope that as they grow and find their own way through this world, our Venn diagrams will come back together a little bit. We’ll have shared experiences and shared joy. Love that is freely given and received by both sides.

But that time where our circles completely overlapped - when they were young and seeing everything through my eyes - that time is gone.

I look back at it and smile, remembering the sweetness of childhood.

I look back and cringe, remembering how I’d relied on them to fulfill my emotional needs.

I look back and hope that the good outweighs the bad.

But I then look around and I see their little Venn circle growing. I see it developing and strengthening. I see them growing in confidence and learning life lessons through experience.

I’m not the center of their world anymore, but that’s okay. That’s not my place.

It’s hard and it’s scary, but if there’s one thing I could tell you, dear parents, it’s this:

That’s not your place either.

Love, Heidi

P.S. for extra credit points, the second best thing you can do as a parent is learn how to apologize and repair after conflict. That’s how your Venn diagram circles begin to overlap again.

P.P.S. the imagery for this letter came from @codependencykate . Please go give her a follow!